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Ask Anne: Relationship AdviceAsk Anne:
Relationship Questions

the way out is through the door

Thu, Mar 2nd 2006

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter which is somewhat long and intricate on several personal levels. I shall try to be succinct and refine the details. Basically it involves my elder sister and brother-in-law and a family that has been ripped apart. My sister and I were once very close to each other, and I worshiped the ground she walked on.

I am a gay man and 8 years ago whilst living at home with my mother she had several strokes and I became her main caregiver. The strain and duration of care led to the decline of my own health, culminating in the knowledge that I was HIV positive, and on that realization that I could no longer care for my mother she entered a nursing home, passing away just over a year ago.

During this period of my mothers decline my sister and brother-in-law lost their house and THEY decided that I should move out of my home, and they should move in to look after our mother. After saying I did not wish to move (I was literally homeless) my brother-in-law came to the house and started throwing furniture around threatening me with verbal abuse. I left the house sleeping on a friends sofa, and they moved in. Within a few weeks my brother-in-law, who has a history of mental illness, and who had been in and out of mental hospitals for most of his adult life (paranoid/schizophrenic, bi-polar, dystonic-homophobe, manic depressive, etc.) was sectioned, and my sister could not cope with the demands of my mother care who's illness made her 'difficult'. They moved out and I moved back in. As I mention we were a very close family and this was like a meltdown.

My brother-in-law since has launched a spiteful homophobic vendetta towards me and has maneuvered to dispose of me from the love of my sister, niece (who I have doted on), and nephew. At my mothers funeral he caused a scene and refused to speak or shake my hand. It would seem to be based on covetousness, jealousy, and resentment that I am now living in the family home, and his own demons concerning his sexuality. He is gay/bisexual,and was having sex with my ex-partner (I discovered this when he broke down on one occasion telling me he thought he had AIDS and had infected my sister). He is also a very unstable character and given to mafia type dealings.

I have not told my sister of his infidelity and I don't know why. She is not daft and knows of his bi-sexual nature. There have been several attempts to reconstruct our relationship, and I feel that I have gone the extra mile in trying to patch things up, but how many times does a dog have to be kicked? I can feel his hatred towards me. Therefore I have decided for my own sanity I want nothing more to do with this man. My sister will not let me be, and expects us to play happy family. My dreams are full of nightmares of her husband. I know that his brother has visited my neighbors spreading malicious gossip. They( barely speak),and that my nephew has been practicing gay hate songs with his uncle on their guitars.

My sister has written raging letters to me and we did not see each other over Xmas and New Year. However, I love her and when she came to see me this month we arranged a day out which was fine, though I never mentioned her husband. Its just that the next step will be him calling with her.

Confucius said:"the way out is through the door", trouble is I can't seem to find the door-handle.

Thank you again for reading this. I have left details out, but I hope you get the picture, and would be grateful for any insights you might lend.

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