Can bondage and discipline tendencies be turned off?Wed, May 14th 2008
I found out that my wife of 33 years has been having an affair involving bondage and discipline for the last 7.5 years. It began after a high school reunion when an old flame asked her if she had any sexual fantasies. She answered yes and a bi-yearly relationship began meeting mostly in Las Vegas. Over the last 2 years it had progressed into attending swinger's bars and involving other men (strangers) in sex acts. I found out all by finding emails in a secret account. She claims that she still loves me and that these episodes gave her a thrill, made her feel sexually appealing to others and made her feel thrilled that a "goody two shoes" could behave this way. She claims it is all over and that she is ashamed of herself and deeply sorry. It was never meant to hurt me, but was only for her own "selfishness". For my part, I'm doing my best to forgive and forget because I still love her and want to believe that she is over this insanity. We're presently seeing a therapist separately but nothing has made me feel better about this. My question: can a person truly stop this behavior and be happy without ever doing it again? Could she be capable of not being in love with her bondage partner and still loving me at the same time as she claims?
THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION WILL NOT BE DISPLAYED UNTIL YOU HAVE INDICATED YOUR AGREEMENT WITH THE DISCLAIMER PRINTED JUST BELOW. CLICK THE 'I AGREE' BUTTON TO AGREE TO THESE TERMS AND SEE THE RESPONSE.
- 'Anne' is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
- 'Anne' bases her responses on her personal experiences and not on professional training or study. She does not represent herself to be a psychologist, therapist, counselor or professional helper of any sort. Her responses are offered from the perspective of a friend or mentor only.
- Anne intends her responses to provide general information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
- Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
- No correspondence takes place.
- No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by 'Anne' to people submitting questions.
- 'Anne', Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. 'Anne' and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
- Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.