Is there something wrong with me?Thu, May 1st 2008
I don't really know where to start but basically I think I have some sort of mental problem. Little things tip me over the edge like a girl who I don't know made a rude weight related comment about me at a party and I should've forgotten it and moved on but instead I cut the word fat into my thigh over and over until my friend found my razors and took them away. I've had a history of eating related problems that I won't bore you with and at first I thought it was just silly teenage girl stuff that a lot of people go through but it's started feeling odd to me like it could be caused by something bigger. Also I have all these weird things that I never really realised were odd until recently, like if I go somewhere I haven't been before I start moving stuff to make it neater and some times I find it impossible to interact with people or like if some one touches me and I don't expect it it some times really really gets to me like I feel really uncomfortable and angry and just want to hit them. Also I've started cutting again but it's under circumstances that make sense but one of my friends who used to do that, she did that at all funny angles like no order or sense to where the cuts were. Like when I've done it there's always been sense and a ritual to it. either the word that I'd go over and over each time I cut or neat lines in a row. What I'd always used cutting for was to keep control of everything and just so I could feel something that wasn't sadness or confusion or stress but how would that work if there isn't any order to it like it just doesn't make any sense to me. The most weird thing about it all is that I'm a really happy person. Like seriously really happy but when something goes wrong I just can't take it and do silly things like standing still in the middle of the road watching a car coming towards me waiting for it to hit me or drinking until I can't think straight or just anything that seems like a good idea at the time. Also I know I just sound like an attention seeker but I'm not. Honestly the last thing I want is the attention. I can't stand it. Everyone gets so worried and upset and angry and I hate doing that to people and even if they didn't care I wouldn't want them to now because I can't stand the idea of people knowing I'm feeling rubbish, I suppose that's really proud and stupid but I can't help it. Anyways, sorry for this long rant I think I kind of got carried away there but yeah it'd put my mind at ease to find out if there's something wrong with me and if there isn't that'd help too. Either way just an answer would be amazing. Sorry for being a nuisance. Regards Bambi xoxo.
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